Divorce 101: Cleaning Up Our Own Mess - A Lesson from Kindergarten

Jun 08, 2025

The Blame Game

It's often easy to fall into the trap of assigning blame rather than taking ownership of our own actions and decisions. As we delve into the wisdom from Robert Fulghum's book, "All I Ever Needed to Know I Learned in Kindergarten," it's essential to explore the profound connection between divorce and personal responsibility.

Each day, millions of individuals worldwide find themselves at various stages of divorce, embarking on a journey to begin a new chapter in their lives. Yet, it raises a thought-provoking question: How many of us pause to contemplate and introspect on our roles and contributions to the challenges that arose within our marriages?

Trust me, this is not easy. There are as many reasons for divorce as there are excuses for a teen not doing their homework. One aspect that often goes overlooked is the concept of personal responsibility.

Let's explore what it looks like to "clean up your own mess" in the context of divorce. Additionally, we will consider how taking ownership of our actions can significantly get us to and beyond the finish line of divorce.

Tempting…not Helpful

Blaming the other party in a divorce can be tempting….and rarely productive. I have been there.

Consider focusing on your own actions and decisions. This can lead to a more amicable separation and smoother post-divorce life.

Take a deep breath…

Divorce is rarely the result of one person's actions alone.

Now, take a moment to exhale and experience relief… The crucial aspect here is assuming responsibility for your own involvement and contributions. Let me emphasize you are not required to shoulder the actions and behaviors of the other person. Frequently, in rough marriages, one partner finds themselves justifying or concealing the activities of the other. Consider the newfound freedom that is yours! You no longer have to take ownership of or justify the choices and behaviors of the other individual.

Creating Change

"It's not immoral to try to make someone change. It is simply not possible" - Motivational interviewing: Helping People Change and Grow by Miller, W. and Rollnick, S.

It's essential to clarify that we should not bear the burden of the other person's behavior or responsibilities in the midst of relationship challenges. Where do we look to hold ourselves accountable? This may encompass:

Recognizing and admitting our own mistakes.
Acknowledging our role in communication issues.
Taking ownership of our actions that played a part in the divorce.
Reflecting on how we may have initiated conflicts.
Considering our contributions further escalated conflicts.

How do we do this?

Throughout the divorce process, and even after the finalization of your divorce, engaging in self-reflection remains of utmost importance. Such introspection can offer valuable insights into your behavioral patterns and triggers that potentially played a role in the divorce. Cultivating self-awareness is a pivotal step in personal growth, and it serves as a means to prevent the recurrence of similar issues in future personal and professional relationships.

Moreover, alongside self-reflection, candid discussions with your support network—whether that's a counselor, a friend, or a family member—can provide enlightening perspectives. These conversations have the potential to broaden your understanding by introducing viewpoints and variables that may not readily emerge during your personal self-reflection journey.

The Sage perspective in the framework of Positive Intelligence and Mental Fitness is that every situation offers an opportunity or a gift.

Instead of solely assigning blame to the other person, a path that often seems tempting, consider redirecting your attention toward the potential opportunities or gifts that await you. It's essential to acknowledge that this can be an exceptionally daunting task depending on your stage in the divorce process.

And this is absolutely OK.

Sometimes, we may not immediately recognize or comprehend the gift within the turmoil. Nevertheless, if you can open your mind to the idea that there is indeed an opportunity or a gift waiting for you, it can provide a glimmer of hope amid the current turmoil and difficulties you may face.

How will my life be better without this marriage?
How have I grown because of this challenging marriage?
What have I learned that can benefit a new relationship?
What have I learned that makes me realize I do not want to be in a relationship?
How do my children benefit from no longer living in this toxic household?
What do my children learn and they watch me grow and thrive?

Co-Parenting

Co-parenting creates an opportunity to prioritize or re-prioritize your children. When reflecting on cleaning up your mess, consider how a shift will benefit your children as they navigate the experience of divorce and post-divorce themselves.

For couples with children, divorce doesn't end your connection with the other parent. It represents a shift. And you get to choose how you show up for your children. How might this look differently now that the home environment is changing?

Conclusion

Divorce is one of the most stressful life experiences. It also presents an opportunity for personal growth and self-discovery. By embracing the principle of cleaning up one's own mess and taking responsibility for your actions, you can heal, move on from the marriage, and become a better partner in future relationships. Divorce isn't the end but a new beginning for personal development and improved future connections.